Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
UPDATE!!!!! OCTOBER 28, 2011
Yessss... Your reading this right. Im updating!! I cannot believe Its been since JULY since I have updated. I accidently clicked on my blog and instead of closing the page...I decided to update it real quick. You, few but faith ful, deserve to know how i am. LOL
Sooooo lets see.... In July I had mentioned I was hoping to get Zumba certified in September. On September 19, 2011 I GOT ZUMBA CERTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a amazing day!! I did my training at 24 hr fitness in Santa Barbra and it was a all day event. I met lots of really cool people who, some of them, I still talk to on facebook. I think I smiled ALL day. Best day in a LONG time.
After I got certified as a Zumba instructor I started working at the YMCA. I teach my OWN Zumba class on Wednesdays!!! I LOVE IT!!! It is my favorite job! (besides being a mommy!)
I have also been working for weight watchers, which i have mentioned. :) Still working there and liking it. :)
I have had some hair changes, LOL I have had pink hair... and now currently black WHICH I LOVE!
I have also been trying to grow my hair out..but that has been a super slow process. I havnt cut it since the beginning of September...but i really cant see a difference. LOL
My weight has been up and down and up and down all summer. I have not written since July because I had a seizure and had my license taken and I have just been trying to find a schedule and a balance in my life that works with me and my kids. I have had seizures off and on since i was 16. 5 of them in total and this is the 2nd time my license was taken. Probably not getting it back. (My choice, and doctors suggestion) because of my kids. My disorder is called breakthrough seizure disorder.
A breakthrough seizure is an epileptic seizure that occurs, despite the use of anticonvulsants that have otherwise successfully prevented seizures in the patient. Breakthrough seizures may be more dangerous than non-breakthrough seizures because they may be less expected by the patient, who already considered him/herself free from seizures and therefore, not take any precautions.
Epileptics with a higher intensity of seizures are more likely to suffer from a breakthrough seizure.
Often when a breakthrough seizure occurs in a person whose seizures have always been well-controlled, there is a new underlying cause to the seizure. (My seizures are caused by stress and pain my doctor said)
So I am now on 2 diffrent meds and trying to get around with 4 kids and no car. LOL
At first I let this situation become a reason to not count my points and not care what i ate and stress eat. OH YES!!! I forgot...during all of this fun stuff...i was also taken off my depression medications and ADD meds. (If you have watched my youtube videos you know about that) BECAUSE, I have been having issues for about 10 years with my medications. They work, they dont. Im crazy. Im up. Im done. I go on the meds. I take myself off cause they dont work..bla bla bla. Wellll, finally my doctor decided to look up where i was diagnosed (I told him i had seen 4 physiotherapists over the course of 2 yrs and was diagnosed clinical depressed 11 yrs ago) WELL NO I WASNT> LOL I had misunderstood ( I was only 18 at the time) and I was diagnosed MANIC DEPRESSIVE. Which is Bi polar disorder. Yaaaaa........ As much as I HATE to admit it. It made sense and after getting off the meds that were doing more harm then helping and getting on better ones. I feel so much better. *SIGH*
So...that was my summer. I have my 2 dream jobs. I had 2 health issues, that at first dragged me down...and I gained 20 lbs...Yes I did. BUT then I stood up, and took my life back and as of this morning i am 179.8lbs. Weight watcher goal is 176lbs So I am almost there. LOL Everyday i have to make a choice not to let things drag me down. This is for life.
I HAD MY 2 YEAR WEIGHT WATCHER ANNIVERSARY ON AUGUST 31,2011 STILL MAINTAING MY LOSS OF 110LBS ON WW. But, I am giving myself credit for ALL my weight lost now, whether on WW or not. SO from 317lb....I have lost 137.4lbs *HAPPY DANCE*
Also I reconnected with my best friend over the Summer and we are closer then EVER! Im so happy to have a friend like her. AND, she has lost 58lbs since April 6, 2011 (My bday) LOL YAY, MICHELLE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Thanks for the support!!!!
Sooooo lets see.... In July I had mentioned I was hoping to get Zumba certified in September. On September 19, 2011 I GOT ZUMBA CERTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a amazing day!! I did my training at 24 hr fitness in Santa Barbra and it was a all day event. I met lots of really cool people who, some of them, I still talk to on facebook. I think I smiled ALL day. Best day in a LONG time.
After I got certified as a Zumba instructor I started working at the YMCA. I teach my OWN Zumba class on Wednesdays!!! I LOVE IT!!! It is my favorite job! (besides being a mommy!)
I have also been working for weight watchers, which i have mentioned. :) Still working there and liking it. :)
I have had some hair changes, LOL I have had pink hair... and now currently black WHICH I LOVE!
I have also been trying to grow my hair out..but that has been a super slow process. I havnt cut it since the beginning of September...but i really cant see a difference. LOLMy weight has been up and down and up and down all summer. I have not written since July because I had a seizure and had my license taken and I have just been trying to find a schedule and a balance in my life that works with me and my kids. I have had seizures off and on since i was 16. 5 of them in total and this is the 2nd time my license was taken. Probably not getting it back. (My choice, and doctors suggestion) because of my kids. My disorder is called breakthrough seizure disorder.
A breakthrough seizure is an epileptic seizure that occurs, despite the use of anticonvulsants that have otherwise successfully prevented seizures in the patient. Breakthrough seizures may be more dangerous than non-breakthrough seizures because they may be less expected by the patient, who already considered him/herself free from seizures and therefore, not take any precautions.
Epileptics with a higher intensity of seizures are more likely to suffer from a breakthrough seizure.
Often when a breakthrough seizure occurs in a person whose seizures have always been well-controlled, there is a new underlying cause to the seizure. (My seizures are caused by stress and pain my doctor said)
So I am now on 2 diffrent meds and trying to get around with 4 kids and no car. LOL
At first I let this situation become a reason to not count my points and not care what i ate and stress eat. OH YES!!! I forgot...during all of this fun stuff...i was also taken off my depression medications and ADD meds. (If you have watched my youtube videos you know about that) BECAUSE, I have been having issues for about 10 years with my medications. They work, they dont. Im crazy. Im up. Im done. I go on the meds. I take myself off cause they dont work..bla bla bla. Wellll, finally my doctor decided to look up where i was diagnosed (I told him i had seen 4 physiotherapists over the course of 2 yrs and was diagnosed clinical depressed 11 yrs ago) WELL NO I WASNT> LOL I had misunderstood ( I was only 18 at the time) and I was diagnosed MANIC DEPRESSIVE. Which is Bi polar disorder. Yaaaaa........ As much as I HATE to admit it. It made sense and after getting off the meds that were doing more harm then helping and getting on better ones. I feel so much better. *SIGH*
So...that was my summer. I have my 2 dream jobs. I had 2 health issues, that at first dragged me down...and I gained 20 lbs...Yes I did. BUT then I stood up, and took my life back and as of this morning i am 179.8lbs. Weight watcher goal is 176lbs So I am almost there. LOL Everyday i have to make a choice not to let things drag me down. This is for life.
I HAD MY 2 YEAR WEIGHT WATCHER ANNIVERSARY ON AUGUST 31,2011 STILL MAINTAING MY LOSS OF 110LBS ON WW. But, I am giving myself credit for ALL my weight lost now, whether on WW or not. SO from 317lb....I have lost 137.4lbs *HAPPY DANCE*
Also I reconnected with my best friend over the Summer and we are closer then EVER! Im so happy to have a friend like her. AND, she has lost 58lbs since April 6, 2011 (My bday) LOL YAY, MICHELLE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
update.!!!
Sooooooo I posted a YouTube video,about a week ago, but I'll update here too. :-)I am doing the new ww program. I figure since I work for them then I should do the new program. It's actually going quite well! It is becoming alot easier. As long as i take time to cook. Lol I'm just so excited to be where I'm at in my life. As of July 12th I have maintained over 100 lbs lost for a whole year!!!! Im so happy to say that. Even Though I am not at my personal goal I am doing amazing at keeping the weight off, even if it is hard some days. I know I will always struggle, but it is so worth it. :-) So........ today something exciting happened today! I TAUGHT MY VERY FIRST ZUMBA CLASS!!!!!!! It was a whole hour and I made the routine for 7 of the 15 songs. I was so nervous. I was asked to sub on Friday. I practiced all day for 3 days. So worth it. It was such a awesome experience. I'll be( hopefully) getting zumba certified on September 24 th. That is if I can find a way to pay for it. Anyway.... there's my update!!!
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Friday, June 24, 2011
I GOT HIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had my interview with Weight Watchers on Wednesday. It went really well. At the end she said, "Well right now i would like to offer you the postion. Do you want to go home and think about our offer? " UH...NO!!! I ACCEPT!!!!!!!! I am a WW employee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so happy. When I started WW almost 2 yrs ago I never thought this would happen. Even though it was my dream! Its super part time. It wont really make us any extra income, but that doesnt matter to me. I would voluteer if I had to! Its so crazy that she offered me the job right there. She also wants me to be a leader, but as of now I am unable to do the training required. I would need to go somewhere, possibly fly, for 3 days of all day training. With my kids being so young I dont think its possible. She told me whenever I felt it was the right time to let her know. She was incredibly nice and I am soooo proud to say I work for WW. I truly believe in their plan and how it changes lives and Im so excited to be apart of it!!! Now...if I could only get my OTHER dream job!! I want to work at our local YMCA. I do STILL want to teach Zumba, maybe SOMEDAY that will still happen, and Id like to work in Child watch. Then I can take my kids to work with me.
*SIGH*
Im so happy!!!!!!!!!!
AND....I was nervous about my weight since I am over my lifetime goal. BUT.....ON my interview day the scale said 177!!! IM BACK AT LIFETIME! And just in time to weigh in for the month. LOL I really think this job will help motivate me to keep losing and encourage me to maintain better. :) I want to be a good representitive for them!!!!
YAY!!!
I am so happy. When I started WW almost 2 yrs ago I never thought this would happen. Even though it was my dream! Its super part time. It wont really make us any extra income, but that doesnt matter to me. I would voluteer if I had to! Its so crazy that she offered me the job right there. She also wants me to be a leader, but as of now I am unable to do the training required. I would need to go somewhere, possibly fly, for 3 days of all day training. With my kids being so young I dont think its possible. She told me whenever I felt it was the right time to let her know. She was incredibly nice and I am soooo proud to say I work for WW. I truly believe in their plan and how it changes lives and Im so excited to be apart of it!!! Now...if I could only get my OTHER dream job!! I want to work at our local YMCA. I do STILL want to teach Zumba, maybe SOMEDAY that will still happen, and Id like to work in Child watch. Then I can take my kids to work with me.
*SIGH*
Im so happy!!!!!!!!!!
AND....I was nervous about my weight since I am over my lifetime goal. BUT.....ON my interview day the scale said 177!!! IM BACK AT LIFETIME! And just in time to weigh in for the month. LOL I really think this job will help motivate me to keep losing and encourage me to maintain better. :) I want to be a good representitive for them!!!!
YAY!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
So frustrated!!
I feel....like I am the ONLY one who goes through what i am going through!! I hate looking in the mirror. I dont see what others see. I see someone who needs to lose weight and cant seem to do it. I see a chubby face, saggy skin, and a bloated stomach. Why cant I seem to be happy with being almost HALF the size i was?! Why does it seem I was HAPPIER being big? *GASP* Did I just write that?!? Yes, yes I did.
I hate feeling...lost. I dont know who i am supposed to be. I dont know how happy Im ALOUD to feel about my weight loss before its taken as being conceited.So I choose to act like its no big deal, and I started to believe it.
I no longer look in the mirror and say WOW, I cannot beileiev how small my arms are! I now say, omg look at that hanging skin. Its so disgusting. I no longer go into my closet and get excited over my clothing options. I HAVE OPTIONS NOW! Instead I take a long time deciding on what jacket to wear to cover my arms and stomach.
I weighed in Monday at 181.2lbs. The week before i was like 186.8 or something. So I had a great loss. HOWEVER this week I seemed to have a hard time. I ate way more and after i got on the scale today (SATURDAY) and it said 181.6lbs I said"WTH?!" and decided to eat what I want today.BAD IDEA!!!!!! Which turned into Pizza, cookies, hamburgers, and cake (sons bday). I KNOW Ill be up at LEAST 5 lbs tomorrow. And it will take a WHOLE WEEK to get it back down. I have to weigh in with WW by the end of the Mth and I cannot be over 178lbs. I also have my interview on Wednesday with WW. Im so screwed. I truly hate that I cannot seem to lose weight like I was. I maintained in the 170's for a year. Now Im in the 180's?! Oh heck no!!!! I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be where I was at the beginning of March. i saw 167! Iam back to my BMI being overweight. And as i type those words i cry. I have one good week, then one bad week. I am in a HUGE rut. I got the exercise DOWN. BTW.......... I ran 8miles...yes 8MILES on Wednesday. My time was 85:33 min I was so FREAKING HAPPY. Then on Friday (yesterday I tried to run again and BARLEY made it to 4miles. So disappointed. Here is my first 10K time!!
I hate being in my head. One min Im happy, the next Im not. My kids have to go on this roller coaster with me and I hate how it affects them. Its selfish. I went to a get together with some friends. I barley talked to anyone.I sat there and I KNOW I looked so stupid. I couldnt get over the fact that I was the LARGEST person there. AND, they were all eating the desserts with no worries!!! I knew if I had one cookie Id gain (YES I WOULD) and the terrible guilt Id feel would last for days. I HATE THIS. My husband said these body issues are causing issues with us. I know they are. I just want to be proud of myself. I dont want to KILL myself in the gym and eat and eat at home. WHY CANT I EAT NORMALLY!? Why cant I continue to lose weight?!?!? 20lbs to lose and I cant even lose 5lbs!
I feel better for venting, PLEASE dont tell me how disappointed you are in me for not being proud of myself. You arent me. I dont CHOOSE too feel this way. And Im not ALWAYS like this. Im just having a moment.....
I WAS proud of myself. I need to get back there. When I was on track all the time. there never was a CHOICE for me. I was proud, and happy of my weightloss. I want to look in the mirror and see what others do. I feel like for the rest of my life, everyday, i will have to deal with trying to lose weight. I dont know why i gain so easily. So frustrating. I hate when people say, "You didnt gain it all in a week, so why do you except to lose it in a week?" UH, YES I DID GAIN IT IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!! LOL
Oh well, back on track for me tomorrow. I REALLY hope the scale doesnt hate me tomorrow so much. i DO deserve a gain though...*SMH*
I hate feeling...lost. I dont know who i am supposed to be. I dont know how happy Im ALOUD to feel about my weight loss before its taken as being conceited.So I choose to act like its no big deal, and I started to believe it.
I no longer look in the mirror and say WOW, I cannot beileiev how small my arms are! I now say, omg look at that hanging skin. Its so disgusting. I no longer go into my closet and get excited over my clothing options. I HAVE OPTIONS NOW! Instead I take a long time deciding on what jacket to wear to cover my arms and stomach.
I weighed in Monday at 181.2lbs. The week before i was like 186.8 or something. So I had a great loss. HOWEVER this week I seemed to have a hard time. I ate way more and after i got on the scale today (SATURDAY) and it said 181.6lbs I said"WTH?!" and decided to eat what I want today.BAD IDEA!!!!!! Which turned into Pizza, cookies, hamburgers, and cake (sons bday). I KNOW Ill be up at LEAST 5 lbs tomorrow. And it will take a WHOLE WEEK to get it back down. I have to weigh in with WW by the end of the Mth and I cannot be over 178lbs. I also have my interview on Wednesday with WW. Im so screwed. I truly hate that I cannot seem to lose weight like I was. I maintained in the 170's for a year. Now Im in the 180's?! Oh heck no!!!! I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be where I was at the beginning of March. i saw 167! Iam back to my BMI being overweight. And as i type those words i cry. I have one good week, then one bad week. I am in a HUGE rut. I got the exercise DOWN. BTW.......... I ran 8miles...yes 8MILES on Wednesday. My time was 85:33 min I was so FREAKING HAPPY. Then on Friday (yesterday I tried to run again and BARLEY made it to 4miles. So disappointed. Here is my first 10K time!!
I hate being in my head. One min Im happy, the next Im not. My kids have to go on this roller coaster with me and I hate how it affects them. Its selfish. I went to a get together with some friends. I barley talked to anyone.I sat there and I KNOW I looked so stupid. I couldnt get over the fact that I was the LARGEST person there. AND, they were all eating the desserts with no worries!!! I knew if I had one cookie Id gain (YES I WOULD) and the terrible guilt Id feel would last for days. I HATE THIS. My husband said these body issues are causing issues with us. I know they are. I just want to be proud of myself. I dont want to KILL myself in the gym and eat and eat at home. WHY CANT I EAT NORMALLY!? Why cant I continue to lose weight?!?!? 20lbs to lose and I cant even lose 5lbs!
I feel better for venting, PLEASE dont tell me how disappointed you are in me for not being proud of myself. You arent me. I dont CHOOSE too feel this way. And Im not ALWAYS like this. Im just having a moment.....
I WAS proud of myself. I need to get back there. When I was on track all the time. there never was a CHOICE for me. I was proud, and happy of my weightloss. I want to look in the mirror and see what others do. I feel like for the rest of my life, everyday, i will have to deal with trying to lose weight. I dont know why i gain so easily. So frustrating. I hate when people say, "You didnt gain it all in a week, so why do you except to lose it in a week?" UH, YES I DID GAIN IT IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!! LOL
Oh well, back on track for me tomorrow. I REALLY hope the scale doesnt hate me tomorrow so much. i DO deserve a gain though...*SMH*
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Weigh in 93 NO EXCUSES!!!
Sooooo there will be no weigh in tomorrow. Its that time of month and I know I am up. Getting on the scale will just upset me more. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 186.6 . That's up 5.4 lbs!!! Plus I over ate today and had a crappy day. Sooooo for this weigh in we will go with 186.6 .
I have decided to recommit myself to my weight loss journey. I was anxious to get out of the 170's and now I'm in the 180's. I used to say there are NO excuses. I never gave in. I stayed stronge. Never cheated myself. Worked hard. Now I seem to use EVERY excuse possible and I keep gaining. I keep imagining where I'd be IF I would have stayed on track. IF I stayed focused. I keep watching these girls on YouTube that I look up to and asking myself why can't I be like them. I USED to be like them. What happened. The girls that inspire me are losingrebecca, bandedwendy, and 1healthierheather. They have the DRIVE that I want. The NO excuses. Their journey is the number one thing for them and they are proud of what they have accomplished. I want that. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Idk why. But starting tomorrow, I'm going to treat myself right. No excuses. I deserve to be proud of myself. And get rid of this fat girl in my head that keeps telling me I'm a failure and ill never be like them. Because I am like them, I have just stopped treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. I am back!!
NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!!
I have 12 weeks til my 2 years on weight watchers. I want to lose at least 20 lbs by then. I am challenging myself to stay completely on track for 12 wks and in those 12 weeks find who I was a few mths ago. I really want to be that way again. Stronge. Commited. And proud.
Oh!!!! I have a interview with WEIGHT WATCHERS on June 22!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
I have decided to recommit myself to my weight loss journey. I was anxious to get out of the 170's and now I'm in the 180's. I used to say there are NO excuses. I never gave in. I stayed stronge. Never cheated myself. Worked hard. Now I seem to use EVERY excuse possible and I keep gaining. I keep imagining where I'd be IF I would have stayed on track. IF I stayed focused. I keep watching these girls on YouTube that I look up to and asking myself why can't I be like them. I USED to be like them. What happened. The girls that inspire me are losingrebecca, bandedwendy, and 1healthierheather. They have the DRIVE that I want. The NO excuses. Their journey is the number one thing for them and they are proud of what they have accomplished. I want that. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Idk why. But starting tomorrow, I'm going to treat myself right. No excuses. I deserve to be proud of myself. And get rid of this fat girl in my head that keeps telling me I'm a failure and ill never be like them. Because I am like them, I have just stopped treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. I am back!!
NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!!
I have 12 weeks til my 2 years on weight watchers. I want to lose at least 20 lbs by then. I am challenging myself to stay completely on track for 12 wks and in those 12 weeks find who I was a few mths ago. I really want to be that way again. Stronge. Commited. And proud.
Oh!!!! I have a interview with WEIGHT WATCHERS on June 22!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
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Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday Weigh In for Week 90 on WW
I weighed in Sunday at :
184.2 lbs
-2.6 lbs
Starting weight : 289.6lbs
Last week... 186.8lbs
This week... 184.2 lbs (-2.6lbs)
A total loss of 105.4 lbs
Im back on track! I wish my weight gain could just go away and I was back in the 170's again, but thats not how it works. I just need to focous this week and make good choices. I would LOVE to be 179 next Sunday!!! Is that possible?! 5.2 lbs. I bet I can if I work hard! But if I dont reach that goal oh well, as long as I tried my hardest........
184.2 lbs
-2.6 lbs
Starting weight : 289.6lbs
Last week... 186.8lbs
This week... 184.2 lbs (-2.6lbs)
A total loss of 105.4 lbs
Im back on track! I wish my weight gain could just go away and I was back in the 170's again, but thats not how it works. I just need to focous this week and make good choices. I would LOVE to be 179 next Sunday!!! Is that possible?! 5.2 lbs. I bet I can if I work hard! But if I dont reach that goal oh well, as long as I tried my hardest........
"ONLY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO FOREVER!"
So, you can just disregard my last post! LOL I have learned ONE important lesson about myself. Someone on youtube was kind enough to remind me of it this weekend. I have a saying that I have lived by through this whole weight loss experience,
"ONLY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO FOREVER!"
I truly believe I stopped losing weight when I stopped living by this. I was in such a hurry to GET TO GOAL, that I started trying to get there FASTER. I started counting calories along with my points, then carbs, then cutting out certain foods, uping my exercise, lowering calories, taking laxatives, using direutics, and so on. I started doing all this last August, when i reached 100lbs lost and a year on WW. I stopped remembering why Im doing all this and all I thought about was losing the rest as soon as possible. I was unhappy, withdrew from people, and researched weight loss all the time. I started eating foods i didnt like and....I STARTED BINGING!!!
I have learned, I can not cut things out or tell myself i cant have something. Becasue that will be all i want. Then Ill binge. Its a horrible cycle. I need to refocus myself and go back to how i was...
"ONLY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO FOREVER!"
That was the only way I was able to lose weight and get this far. I need to stop and follow my own advice. No more obsessing. No more cutting things out. Only creating a way to live for the rest of my life. Creating habits that i can do forever. Slowly. It doesnt matter WHEN I get to goal. It matters HOW I get there. In a healthy way. There is no going off plan...because its not a plan, its my lifestyle.
Exercise has never been a issue for me. i love it. I exercise even when I eat bad. Exercise is a part of my life, I enjoy it and look forward to it. I need to focus on doing the same with food. Eating a certain way, forever. So I wont be cutting foods out. I need to learn to deal with my issues with food. Cutting things out just makes me want them more and causes me to binge.
I hate when i say Im going to do something and then change my mind. I feel like Im lost and have no idea what I need to do. I know everything I need to know to lose weight. I just need to stick with what works. :) I have maintained my 100lb weight loss for almost a year now. I am so proud of that. I need to remember how far I have come and not worry so much about how fast i get to goal.
"ONLY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO FOREVER!"
I truly believe I stopped losing weight when I stopped living by this. I was in such a hurry to GET TO GOAL, that I started trying to get there FASTER. I started counting calories along with my points, then carbs, then cutting out certain foods, uping my exercise, lowering calories, taking laxatives, using direutics, and so on. I started doing all this last August, when i reached 100lbs lost and a year on WW. I stopped remembering why Im doing all this and all I thought about was losing the rest as soon as possible. I was unhappy, withdrew from people, and researched weight loss all the time. I started eating foods i didnt like and....I STARTED BINGING!!!
I have learned, I can not cut things out or tell myself i cant have something. Becasue that will be all i want. Then Ill binge. Its a horrible cycle. I need to refocus myself and go back to how i was...
"ONLY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN DO FOREVER!"
That was the only way I was able to lose weight and get this far. I need to stop and follow my own advice. No more obsessing. No more cutting things out. Only creating a way to live for the rest of my life. Creating habits that i can do forever. Slowly. It doesnt matter WHEN I get to goal. It matters HOW I get there. In a healthy way. There is no going off plan...because its not a plan, its my lifestyle.
Exercise has never been a issue for me. i love it. I exercise even when I eat bad. Exercise is a part of my life, I enjoy it and look forward to it. I need to focus on doing the same with food. Eating a certain way, forever. So I wont be cutting foods out. I need to learn to deal with my issues with food. Cutting things out just makes me want them more and causes me to binge.
I hate when i say Im going to do something and then change my mind. I feel like Im lost and have no idea what I need to do. I know everything I need to know to lose weight. I just need to stick with what works. :) I have maintained my 100lb weight loss for almost a year now. I am so proud of that. I need to remember how far I have come and not worry so much about how fast i get to goal.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Hi, My name is April and I am a compulsive over eater....
I am tired...SO tired of my war with food. EVERYDAY I fight with myself about food. My thoughts seem to focus on food.
'How many points?' 'How many calories?' 'Its just ONE cookie!' 'A diet coke will help you feel full.' 'You have lost so much weight, what is one days to enjoy all the food you want!' 'Its just pizza! You wont gain all your weight back!' 'You can start over tomorrow.' 'Eat everything you want, casue tomorrow we get strict!' 'Ill just eat less tomorrow.' 'Ill exercise more.' 'JUST ONE BITE!' 'I exercised today, I deserve it!' 'I dont want to deprive myself.' 'Im so upset, it will make me feel better!''Just this one time!'
I feel like Im the only one who deals with this. How can others lose weight and not have such a struggle with food! WHY cant I just be NORMAL!!! I hate obsessing over this!
I had a bad day today....I have no excuses. I have NO idea WHY I over eat...or binge. I do know its a problem and I NEED to fix it now before I gain weight.
I was thinking...WHAT are my trigger foods? I have 3.
My number 1 is COOKIES.
Small cookies, big cookies, chocolate, sugar, oatmeal, store bought, bakery, hard, soft...you name it...I will eat just about ANY type of cookie...and then i want MORE.....
Number 2 is peanut butter. I just cant have a serving...I want to eat it all...
Number 3 BREAD. I LOVE bread. I cant seem to commit to the new WW program (points plus) because I cant eat bread AS MUCH as I would like to.
I have talked to a nutritionist an she says the reason I crave PB is because Im not getting enough fat or protein in my diet. SO TRUE!
I think I have a issue with cookies because of SUGAR. And bread because of FLOUR.
So, as I was thinking (and have been thinking for awhile) I am a addict. The only way to fix my binging is to be ABSTINENT. Since I have pin pointed what I need to eliminate it seems I need to be abstinent from SUGAR AND FLOUR.
I have been contemplating this for a while, but I always have a problem when I cut foods out...I seem to binge on them. So as much as I want to give up flour and sugar...it may be years before i do completly. I may start making small goals. Like this week..NO COOKIES. :)
"My name is April, and I am a compulsive over eater...."
'How many points?' 'How many calories?' 'Its just ONE cookie!' 'A diet coke will help you feel full.' 'You have lost so much weight, what is one days to enjoy all the food you want!' 'Its just pizza! You wont gain all your weight back!' 'You can start over tomorrow.' 'Eat everything you want, casue tomorrow we get strict!' 'Ill just eat less tomorrow.' 'Ill exercise more.' 'JUST ONE BITE!' 'I exercised today, I deserve it!' 'I dont want to deprive myself.' 'Im so upset, it will make me feel better!''Just this one time!'
I feel like Im the only one who deals with this. How can others lose weight and not have such a struggle with food! WHY cant I just be NORMAL!!! I hate obsessing over this!
I had a bad day today....I have no excuses. I have NO idea WHY I over eat...or binge. I do know its a problem and I NEED to fix it now before I gain weight.
I was thinking...WHAT are my trigger foods? I have 3.
My number 1 is COOKIES.
Number 2 is peanut butter. I just cant have a serving...I want to eat it all...Number 3 BREAD. I LOVE bread. I cant seem to commit to the new WW program (points plus) because I cant eat bread AS MUCH as I would like to.
I have talked to a nutritionist an she says the reason I crave PB is because Im not getting enough fat or protein in my diet. SO TRUE!
I think I have a issue with cookies because of SUGAR. And bread because of FLOUR.
So, as I was thinking (and have been thinking for awhile) I am a addict. The only way to fix my binging is to be ABSTINENT. Since I have pin pointed what I need to eliminate it seems I need to be abstinent from SUGAR AND FLOUR.
I have been contemplating this for a while, but I always have a problem when I cut foods out...I seem to binge on them. So as much as I want to give up flour and sugar...it may be years before i do completly. I may start making small goals. Like this week..NO COOKIES. :)
"My name is April, and I am a compulsive over eater...."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
May 17, 2011
I am still so TIRED!I am still getting used to having no adderall to rely on to give me energy. My focus is ok though. Even though I feel a little lazy I am still managing to get stuff accomplished. HOWEVER, since I use a bodybugg (which I LOVE) I am able to monitor how many calories I burn throughout the day. I averaged about 3700 WITH the adderall. Now I average 3000. Hmmmmm......THAT is a huge difference!! I can live with that though.
Today I also discovered something awesome!! I found something that I can replace my diet coke with!! If you watch my youtube videos you know I drink MASSIVE amounts of diet coke.I sadly ONLY drink diet coke. I do not drink water. i am so ashamed to say. I drink 6...yes...SIX of these:
I believe thats about 384 oz? Somedays I actually drink more. :( TODAY I decided to try something I saw on a commercial. I surprised myself by actually liking it! Today I am proud to say I oonly had ONE of my normal sodas around 3pm. I drank 8 glasses of normal water and 4 bottles of this:
I am proud of myself today. :) I also stayed on track with my eating and exercise. I am finding it alittle harder to get up early to go to the gym. I used to get up at 5:15am for the gym. That turned into hitting snooze a couple times and finally dragging my butt out of bed at 5:55am. :( I plan to work on that. I only have a small headache today even though I drank 1/6 of my normal amout of caffiene. Also I like that the Propel water does not have aspartame.So by next week hopefully I will be done with diet coke.
Not much else to report. lol My acne has decreased ALOT! I have had people mention my skin is looking better.
I think I may start doing a daily summary of what I eat or how many points I used and my exercise. :)
Today I did :
*45min on the elliptical and 30 min strenghth training my legs and Abs.
*I ate 25pts (what Im aloud since I am doing WW Momentum NOT PointsPlus right now)
*Thats 1890 calories (Id like that to be lower)
*As of 9pm I have burned :
So I already have a good burn today! Ill probably do another 100-150 calories before midnight. So It was a great day!! :)
ALSO, I would like to thank the people who have already read my blog. I am making this mostly for myself, like I did with my youtube videos, but if anyone finds it useful thats great. I think its great to be able to look back and read how i felt and what was going on in my life. I am so grateful i decided to document my weight loss journey. It keeps me on track and motivates me to get to my goal. (which is currently 160lbs)
Losing weight has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Id rather GIVE BIRTH 100 times then have to do this again. I hate thought that I look in the mirror everyday and I FORGET how far i come. I seem to just focus on where Im NOT. I pick myself apart, and usually leave the mirror feeling bad about myself rather then be so proud of who I become and how I look. I started off in a size 26! Im now a 10!! I just dont understand why THAT big of a difference goes unnoticed to me. I need to learn to be happy with myself, no matter what I weigh. I have a problem thinking 'No one loves me or cares about me'. I dont know WHY I think this, but I do. I know its not true, but its just how i feel. But how can others truly love me if I cant even love myself?!
“If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.”
GOOOOOD NIIIGHTTT!
April
Today I also discovered something awesome!! I found something that I can replace my diet coke with!! If you watch my youtube videos you know I drink MASSIVE amounts of diet coke.I sadly ONLY drink diet coke. I do not drink water. i am so ashamed to say. I drink 6...yes...SIX of these:
Not much else to report. lol My acne has decreased ALOT! I have had people mention my skin is looking better.
I think I may start doing a daily summary of what I eat or how many points I used and my exercise. :)
Today I did :
*45min on the elliptical and 30 min strenghth training my legs and Abs.
*I ate 25pts (what Im aloud since I am doing WW Momentum NOT PointsPlus right now)
*Thats 1890 calories (Id like that to be lower)
*As of 9pm I have burned :
ALSO, I would like to thank the people who have already read my blog. I am making this mostly for myself, like I did with my youtube videos, but if anyone finds it useful thats great. I think its great to be able to look back and read how i felt and what was going on in my life. I am so grateful i decided to document my weight loss journey. It keeps me on track and motivates me to get to my goal. (which is currently 160lbs)
Losing weight has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Id rather GIVE BIRTH 100 times then have to do this again. I hate thought that I look in the mirror everyday and I FORGET how far i come. I seem to just focus on where Im NOT. I pick myself apart, and usually leave the mirror feeling bad about myself rather then be so proud of who I become and how I look. I started off in a size 26! Im now a 10!! I just dont understand why THAT big of a difference goes unnoticed to me. I need to learn to be happy with myself, no matter what I weigh. I have a problem thinking 'No one loves me or cares about me'. I dont know WHY I think this, but I do. I know its not true, but its just how i feel. But how can others truly love me if I cant even love myself?!
“If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.”
GOOOOOD NIIIGHTTT!
April
Monday, May 16, 2011
Week 89 Weigh In:
This weigh in is a sad one...
Starting weight : 289.6lbs
Last week... 175.6lbs
This week... 186.8lbs (+11.2 lbs)
A total loss of 103lbs
I can not tell you how I managed to gain 11.2 lbs in ONE week. What i can tell you is...YES..I did. I am ashamed. But there it is..
And THAT IS IT!!!!!!! I have been OUT of the 180's since December 5th. I hate seeing it back there on the scale. I am frustrated with myself. BUT I was on track all day today. :) And I plan to STAY there!! I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the weight gain in my face especially. :(
Starting weight : 289.6lbs
Last week... 175.6lbs
This week... 186.8lbs (+11.2 lbs)
A total loss of 103lbs
I can not tell you how I managed to gain 11.2 lbs in ONE week. What i can tell you is...YES..I did. I am ashamed. But there it is..
And THAT IS IT!!!!!!! I have been OUT of the 180's since December 5th. I hate seeing it back there on the scale. I am frustrated with myself. BUT I was on track all day today. :) And I plan to STAY there!! I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the weight gain in my face especially. :(
May 14, 2011
Today I looked at my husband and I saw disappointment in his eyes. He didn't say he was or act like he was. But I saw it. It was the same look I had this morning looking into the mirror. I have gained weight. Not alot. But more then a normal person does. Like 15 lbs in 2 mths. ???? Why? How? I can't control my binging. I justify it. There is a war in my head. Like a voice that constantly tells me it's ok to eat this, it's ok to eat what I want. But as the scale goes up I am starting to get panicky. I dont want to be that girl again. Did I not learn how to be healthy? I want to be a example to my kids. What am I teaching them?! I look in the mirror and I look puffy. Like a blow fish. I let myself down. I let my family, friends, and kids down.
People say I'm a inspiration. I get letters everyday telling me I inspired them to lose weight. I helped them. If I can do it they can too. I havnt made a YouTube video cause I can't face them. I know I'm having a pity party, lol. I need to stand back up and take back my success. I worked hard to get where I am. I deserve to stay. I need to focus and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I made a list. Things I need to do to get back on track. No more excuses. The scale will NOT go any higher. I'm going to be on plan 100% and EARN the right to get the letters I get. I did not come this far to fail. I am not the person to lose the weight and then gain it back.
I know my husband loves me with all his heart. I know he loves me no matter what I look like. But he couldn't hide that look. It breaks my heart that I have let myself slip this much. I just kept saying. "oh it's just 5 lbs. I can take it off in a week. " but I won't say that any more. I want to make my husband proud. And be that example for my kids. I'm taking me back!!!!!!!!!!
Some things I plan to change or do to get back on track:
Go to the gym and give it my ALL
Stop drinking diet coke and drink water
Plan what I'm gonna eat and stick to it
No bites. Track everything
Stay @ 1800 calories or less and @ 25 pts
Watch YouTube videos and be inspired
Stay busy, active. Focus on kids.
Less tv
Stop eating after 8pm
Eat every 2 hrs (to keep from getting hungry)
Focus on protein
Eat normal serving sizes
Eat dinner with family ( what they eat)
Take all my vitamins
So .... It's game time!
People say I'm a inspiration. I get letters everyday telling me I inspired them to lose weight. I helped them. If I can do it they can too. I havnt made a YouTube video cause I can't face them. I know I'm having a pity party, lol. I need to stand back up and take back my success. I worked hard to get where I am. I deserve to stay. I need to focus and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I made a list. Things I need to do to get back on track. No more excuses. The scale will NOT go any higher. I'm going to be on plan 100% and EARN the right to get the letters I get. I did not come this far to fail. I am not the person to lose the weight and then gain it back.
I know my husband loves me with all his heart. I know he loves me no matter what I look like. But he couldn't hide that look. It breaks my heart that I have let myself slip this much. I just kept saying. "oh it's just 5 lbs. I can take it off in a week. " but I won't say that any more. I want to make my husband proud. And be that example for my kids. I'm taking me back!!!!!!!!!!
Some things I plan to change or do to get back on track:
Go to the gym and give it my ALL
Stop drinking diet coke and drink water
Plan what I'm gonna eat and stick to it
No bites. Track everything
Stay @ 1800 calories or less and @ 25 pts
Watch YouTube videos and be inspired
Stay busy, active. Focus on kids.
Less tv
Stop eating after 8pm
Eat every 2 hrs (to keep from getting hungry)
Focus on protein
Eat normal serving sizes
Eat dinner with family ( what they eat)
Take all my vitamins
So .... It's game time!
May 13 2011
I was put on a ADHD medication called adderall about a year ago. My ADD had gotten really bad and my doctor thought since I was always tired that I would Benifit from it. I LOVED the medication at first. It made me not so hungry, gave me tons of energy (I never wanna sit) it made my OCD ten times worse, which was ok since it made me clean all the time, i was able to focus and get so much done, and it made me a morning person. I slept a average of 5 hrs a night. Which wasnt too great. Over the mths I noticed I was becoming anti-social, I had HORRIBLE acne, I had awful mood swings, I was irritable, I had chest pain, my anxiety was a huge issue, and I was becoming more depressed. I was also having numerous binging episodes. I had had a handle on my binging for a whole year before. This has turned into a big problem. So last night I decided to stop taking the Meds. I'm afraid of weight gain and the sleepiness that seems to be the biggest withdrawal issue. But I feel, for my health and my kids, that I NEED to stop taking them. AND I found out yesterday that my doctor should have never prescribed them since I am on wellbutrin and they don't interact so well. Which is why I am more depressed. I'm hoping now that i can be more social, be happier, not be so moody with my kids, get back on track with my weightloss, and get rid of this acne! Lol
Today was day 1 without it. I did pretty well I was happier. No mood swings. I played with the kids more. I was actually less hungry and I drank HALF the diet coke I normally do since I didnt have dry mouth. Yah! The main side affects were a horrible headache, and EXTREME sleepiness. Around 1pm I found it was so hard to just keep my eyes open! But I made it. I'll be going to bed super early. Lol and I got my early morning workout in. Hopefully I dont have problems getting up tomorrow at 5:30am for the gym!
Today was day 1 without it. I did pretty well I was happier. No mood swings. I played with the kids more. I was actually less hungry and I drank HALF the diet coke I normally do since I didnt have dry mouth. Yah! The main side affects were a horrible headache, and EXTREME sleepiness. Around 1pm I found it was so hard to just keep my eyes open! But I made it. I'll be going to bed super early. Lol and I got my early morning workout in. Hopefully I dont have problems getting up tomorrow at 5:30am for the gym!
May 12, 2011
This is my first post. Not sure exactly where I want to go with this blog. I just know that I need to talk about the issues I deal with on a daily basis involving...food.
I have always had some sort of issue with my weight. I had my moments when i was growing up. Slightly chubby one year than just fine the next. It wasnt til I turned 17 that i started REALLY gaining. I spent the next 10 years at least 100 lbs overweight. Reaching a high of 317 lbs. After i hadmy last child (I have 4) I decided to be HEALTHY. I started weight watchers on August 31, 2009. Been on it ever since then. I also go to the gym 6 days a week. I LOVE to work out now. My family is active and happy. :)
I have lost 113.4 lbs . I have 12-16 lbs to go........
But everyday I deal with food. I think about it 24 hrs a day. I struggle with overeating or binging. I think I eat to hide how I feel. So maybe startig a blog and telling the word how I feel will help me.
I have been losing steadily on WW for about 1 year before my weightloss stopped. I was put on depression meds and I felt like I lost my motivation. I struggled to lose for mths, gaining some, losing some. WW introduced their new program on November 29th 2010. I was SO excited. I felt like it was the answer to my plateou. I lost for about 3 weeks. Then stopped. I started binging on a weeekly basis. Losing 5 lbs during the week, then gaining it all back on the weekend.
I cant seem to get a handle on this and its out of control. I stopped the "new" program and this week I am back on the old WW program. (actually TODAY is the first day back on) I feel like I am in more control now. I am currently at 185.4 lbs. *GASP* Which is HIGHLY depressing for me. At the beginning ofi March I was 166.4lbs!!!!! The binging is OUT OF CONTROL! I am embrassed, ashamed, and I feel like a failure. I have a youtube channel and I am too upset to post this horrible news there. What happened to me?! Where did the diciplined, strict, happy person go?!?!? I do believe that my current medications are a problem. My weight loss kinda slowed after being put on them. I feel like they make me anti-social, unhappy, and short tempered. I need to get back to where i was. So Im hoping this blog helps....
I have always had some sort of issue with my weight. I had my moments when i was growing up. Slightly chubby one year than just fine the next. It wasnt til I turned 17 that i started REALLY gaining. I spent the next 10 years at least 100 lbs overweight. Reaching a high of 317 lbs. After i hadmy last child (I have 4) I decided to be HEALTHY. I started weight watchers on August 31, 2009. Been on it ever since then. I also go to the gym 6 days a week. I LOVE to work out now. My family is active and happy. :)
I have lost 113.4 lbs . I have 12-16 lbs to go........
But everyday I deal with food. I think about it 24 hrs a day. I struggle with overeating or binging. I think I eat to hide how I feel. So maybe startig a blog and telling the word how I feel will help me.
I have been losing steadily on WW for about 1 year before my weightloss stopped. I was put on depression meds and I felt like I lost my motivation. I struggled to lose for mths, gaining some, losing some. WW introduced their new program on November 29th 2010. I was SO excited. I felt like it was the answer to my plateou. I lost for about 3 weeks. Then stopped. I started binging on a weeekly basis. Losing 5 lbs during the week, then gaining it all back on the weekend.
I cant seem to get a handle on this and its out of control. I stopped the "new" program and this week I am back on the old WW program. (actually TODAY is the first day back on) I feel like I am in more control now. I am currently at 185.4 lbs. *GASP* Which is HIGHLY depressing for me. At the beginning ofi March I was 166.4lbs!!!!! The binging is OUT OF CONTROL! I am embrassed, ashamed, and I feel like a failure. I have a youtube channel and I am too upset to post this horrible news there. What happened to me?! Where did the diciplined, strict, happy person go?!?!? I do believe that my current medications are a problem. My weight loss kinda slowed after being put on them. I feel like they make me anti-social, unhappy, and short tempered. I need to get back to where i was. So Im hoping this blog helps....
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