Saturday, October 13, 2012

My confession......

I just wrote a whole post and blogger deleted it. I'm so mad! I wrote about how I've gained weight and that's why I'm not updating anything I'm sad to admit my failure. I am at a 85 pounds gain. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and so upset at myself for what has happened to me. I am 25 pounds away from my starting weight in 2009 when I started Weight Watchers. I honestly don't know what happened. I said that I would never gain the weight back ever. And that's exactly what happened. So I'm here admitting what has happened. I'm here writing down my confession.

My seizure medicine makes me so tired. I have just given up on everything. I I gained some weight and I thought I could take it off easily and then it was more and more and more and then it was so much that I knew I couldn't take it off easily and I didn't know how to get back to where I was.

I have stopped caring about myself. Completely. If it wasn't for my kids mostly my daughter, I think id be giving up forever. But my daughter is just like me....and as im gaining so is she. We both gained soooo much during the summer.
Ive gained 85lbs!!!!!!! Im at 265....I feel like the worst mom in the whole f-ING World.

I have let EVERYONE down. My husband, family, kids, friends, and people that have looked to me for support and inspiration. Im embrassed and quite honestly dont want to live anymore like this.

I have to change. I want to be that mom i was. A role model. Healthy. Fun. I dont want to hide in my house from the world and feel embrassed and ashamed.

So I'm back to weight watchers. I always said it was a life long thing. You do it forever. I am starting tomorrow ( since its almost midnight) lol I'm getting back to where I was. And its going to take FOREVER. :( but its something I have to do. Not only did I gain a massive amount and set the wrong example for my kids...but I have really bad health issues with my gain. Baaaad ones. Like high blood pressure, back pain, headaches, heart burn, leg numbness, and the worst is hip and leg pain. I teach zumba...still do that!!! But the weight gain has caused stress fractures in my shins from jumping and the extra sudden weight I've put on them. So teaching, or even walking, is so painful!!!!!! I'm living on pain meds and tums. :( I have to get back my healthy life.

So I'm writing my confession...for accountability and for my own record. I've become the fat April again. I don't want to stay here. I can't.......