Saturday, October 13, 2012

My confession......

I just wrote a whole post and blogger deleted it. I'm so mad! I wrote about how I've gained weight and that's why I'm not updating anything I'm sad to admit my failure. I am at a 85 pounds gain. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and so upset at myself for what has happened to me. I am 25 pounds away from my starting weight in 2009 when I started Weight Watchers. I honestly don't know what happened. I said that I would never gain the weight back ever. And that's exactly what happened. So I'm here admitting what has happened. I'm here writing down my confession.

My seizure medicine makes me so tired. I have just given up on everything. I I gained some weight and I thought I could take it off easily and then it was more and more and more and then it was so much that I knew I couldn't take it off easily and I didn't know how to get back to where I was.

I have stopped caring about myself. Completely. If it wasn't for my kids mostly my daughter, I think id be giving up forever. But my daughter is just like me....and as im gaining so is she. We both gained soooo much during the summer.
Ive gained 85lbs!!!!!!! Im at 265....I feel like the worst mom in the whole f-ING World.

I have let EVERYONE down. My husband, family, kids, friends, and people that have looked to me for support and inspiration. Im embrassed and quite honestly dont want to live anymore like this.

I have to change. I want to be that mom i was. A role model. Healthy. Fun. I dont want to hide in my house from the world and feel embrassed and ashamed.

So I'm back to weight watchers. I always said it was a life long thing. You do it forever. I am starting tomorrow ( since its almost midnight) lol I'm getting back to where I was. And its going to take FOREVER. :( but its something I have to do. Not only did I gain a massive amount and set the wrong example for my kids...but I have really bad health issues with my gain. Baaaad ones. Like high blood pressure, back pain, headaches, heart burn, leg numbness, and the worst is hip and leg pain. I teach zumba...still do that!!! But the weight gain has caused stress fractures in my shins from jumping and the extra sudden weight I've put on them. So teaching, or even walking, is so painful!!!!!! I'm living on pain meds and tums. :( I have to get back my healthy life.

So I'm writing my confession...for accountability and for my own record. I've become the fat April again. I don't want to stay here. I can't.......


  1. I found your videos on youtube completely by accident one day and was inspired! You introduced me to zumba and I am now hooked on it completely. Problem I have is I am so overweight that I hurt when I dance, not to mention I am more bounce than dance. lol. I also lost a ton of weight some years ago and then was completely surprised when I gained it all back. Unlike you I gained about 50 pounds more than I was when I first started. I went through a serious depression and basically lived in sweat pants feeling bad about myself for a couple of years. My kids begged me to play with them but I just didn't have the energy, I had days when I just wanted to give up. 2 weeks ago I decided to start going back to church with my family and trying to make an effort to get out of my shell. I found that if I push myself everyday to be the best I can be, without pushing too hard to where I feel as if I am failing it gets easier. Today I paid for 1 session with a personal trainer at the local YMCA so that he can set up a plan for me which I plan to follow exactly. It's all baby steps, but you have to walk before you run, right? I think that you can do anything, you just have to find the right motivation. I hope knowing that you are not alone in this is somehow helpful. :)

  2. Hi April. I have been with you watching you on your journey since the beginning. I still think of you as someone who inspires me. I too lost weight and then regained it plus some. Back in 99-00 I lost 80 pounds and got down to 206 lbs. Then I let other things get in the way and gained all the way up to 337. I am now at 289 thanks to WW. I love the program and you are the one who inspired me to really start the program. Don't feel bad for regaining. You are only human. You have to have faith and know that if you did it once, then you can do it again and stay at your goal. I think you looked fabulous at 175lbs. You are a tall woman and I think that is a great weight and look for you. But, you have to be comfortable at the weight you set for yourself. Try making videos again every week like you did when you started. I think they will help you. We are here to help you not to judge you. We enjoy seeing you on youtube and will be with you for the next phase in your journey. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Do this for you and your family. They will support you and we will too. God bless you and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :)

  3. I just found your youtube videos today and have watched a ton of them. I just started weight watchers a few weeks ago. I hope you keep updating, I will be reading and sending you my support!! Would love to see videos of your journey :)

  4. Hi April, it's me, Mary again. I just wanted to ask if you have considered talking to your doctor about the seizure medicine you are on. I know in your videos you mentioned that you don't have seizures all the time. What if there was a med you could take only when you had a seizure? Like when you felt one coming on? It seems to me when you started taking the seizure medicine you started to gain weight. Am I right? I just want to help you so bad, because you deserve to be healthy and happy. I know how you feel right now, but I am here to tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS. Take it one day and one pound at a time. I hope to hear from you soon. We all love and support you on YOUTUBE. We are not going to judge you. Please come back, I really think it will help you.

  5. A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. You are loved and supported.

  6. Hello, My name is Angela and I saw your videos on You tube last year when I started Weight Watchers. Your videos motivated me to keep going when I wanted to give up. I've lost 54lbs and have kept it off for 6 months. I know we don't know each other but I know what it is like to struggle with losing weight. It looks like there are a lot of people supporting you on your journey. It takes a lot of courage to write about what you have and be as honest as you are. You are not a failure at all. You are trying and realizing it is hard work. I believe in you and know that you will reach your goal!! All the best!!

  7. April, I have been subscribed to you for a long time. I hope you see this. You need to stop exercising and focus on food. You aren't over weight because you are addicted to exercise -- you are addicted to food. Peace

  8. It's so hard to lose weight and gain it back, I've been threw this. I would look at old pictures and think to myself how did I let this happen? I don't feel like the Person in this picture. I would eat healthy one day and think what's the point? So is eat tonmake myself feel better. For me it's a mental struggle. I can't let my mind trick myself into believing I won't be successful. Eating healthy makes me feel healthy and that's all I want to be. I hope you start writing again and making you tube videos again. You have so much support can do this!!!

  9. Hi April,

    I came across your blog and video while I was looking for a pumpkin pie recipe. I think it is amazing you have lost 85 pounds. Everyone has their missteps no matter how big or small. I have my insecurities too and I know what its like to avoid facing things when it is a struggle. I have never tried weight watchers so that was why I was really skeptical but it is really amazing what you have achieved. What really helped changed my outlook and perspective when I feel like like crap and I'm not making any progress is this film Fat, Sick, Nearly Dead. It really is about nutrition and eating right, something I think what the Weight Watchers program really is. I've learned so much and I've learned in the end really to change life, I have to change myself.

    I hope I can help. Happy Thanksgiving,

  10. April, you don't have to be ashamed. I'm on WW since May 2011 and I struggled to lose 20 pounds. We're battling with our greatest compulsion: THE FOOD. According to me, this is the worstest compulsion in the world, because we can't live without. Alchool and drug addicts can solve the compulsion just by eliminate those things of their home and life. WE DON'T!

    Don't give up ...

    A canadian WW sister.

  11. Hi April, I found your weight loss transformation video on youtube and cried because I was so inspired and encouraged by it. I re-joined WW about a month ago after several stops and starts. I have 40 pounds still to lose but I'm down 5 since I re-joined (down 20 from my all-time highest). I clicked on your name for more videos and saw that you had gained weight. When I read this post, I cried again, but this time from sympathy. I just want to tell you: you are being way too hard on yourself. Forgive yourself and move on. Every day that you make good choices is a day you are helping your body. Every time you mess up, but pick yourself up and start again, is a day you can feel proud of yourself. You can do it again. I KNOW you can. Do it with the rest of us who still have pounds to lose. We are all on a journey together. Just think of how you'll feel a year from now after staying the course and getting healthy again. I also wanted to recommend listening to the song "The Climb" (I think Miley Cyrus sings a version of it) when you feel discouraged. It helps me. :) Good luck and please keep us posted!

  12. Go listen to this song, One More Time by Michael W Smith. You are in my prayers.