Saturday, October 13, 2012

My confession......

I just wrote a whole post and blogger deleted it. I'm so mad! I wrote about how I've gained weight and that's why I'm not updating anything I'm sad to admit my failure. I am at a 85 pounds gain. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and so upset at myself for what has happened to me. I am 25 pounds away from my starting weight in 2009 when I started Weight Watchers. I honestly don't know what happened. I said that I would never gain the weight back ever. And that's exactly what happened. So I'm here admitting what has happened. I'm here writing down my confession.

My seizure medicine makes me so tired. I have just given up on everything. I I gained some weight and I thought I could take it off easily and then it was more and more and more and then it was so much that I knew I couldn't take it off easily and I didn't know how to get back to where I was.

I have stopped caring about myself. Completely. If it wasn't for my kids mostly my daughter, I think id be giving up forever. But my daughter is just like me....and as im gaining so is she. We both gained soooo much during the summer.
Ive gained 85lbs!!!!!!! Im at 265....I feel like the worst mom in the whole f-ING World.

I have let EVERYONE down. My husband, family, kids, friends, and people that have looked to me for support and inspiration. Im embrassed and quite honestly dont want to live anymore like this.

I have to change. I want to be that mom i was. A role model. Healthy. Fun. I dont want to hide in my house from the world and feel embrassed and ashamed.

So I'm back to weight watchers. I always said it was a life long thing. You do it forever. I am starting tomorrow ( since its almost midnight) lol I'm getting back to where I was. And its going to take FOREVER. :( but its something I have to do. Not only did I gain a massive amount and set the wrong example for my kids...but I have really bad health issues with my gain. Baaaad ones. Like high blood pressure, back pain, headaches, heart burn, leg numbness, and the worst is hip and leg pain. I teach zumba...still do that!!! But the weight gain has caused stress fractures in my shins from jumping and the extra sudden weight I've put on them. So teaching, or even walking, is so painful!!!!!! I'm living on pain meds and tums. :( I have to get back my healthy life.

So I'm writing my confession...for accountability and for my own record. I've become the fat April again. I don't want to stay here. I can't.......

Thursday, July 12, 2012

A little update....

Soooo it's with my head hanging in shame that I report.... There has been no change. None at all. Quite possibly a gain. I am ashamed. And I have now had the third person so Rudely as me how I got fat again. In different words, but meaning the same. *sigh* This is the worst feeling..... EVER. I don't want to live this way. So why can't I get on track!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

I feel so lazy and tired. I KNOW it's because of what I'm eating. It's affecting the whole family in such a negative way. I am hurting my family. Myself. And my relationship with my husband. He accepts me how I am regardless of size. But I am so self conscious I don't let him near me :(

I need to lose this weight. It's so scary to see how easy and fast it was to gain......

Friday, June 22, 2012

Crappy update.....

Soooo it is time to give my weekly update. I failed to upload my weekly YouTube video. I just don't know what to say to anyone! "Guess what guys?!? I GAINED. Again." Nooo. I hate saying those words. Or even typing them! So I THINK I was 243.2 last week. This week I am 244.6. I am STILL on my period. I was on 1 wk then off 1 wk and then have been on for about 3 wks!!! Not happy. However I know it's from my weight gain. Just another reason I need to lose this weight!

I have had a good week despite my gain, for reasons unknown. I have exercised 5 times and stayed on track 5 out of 6 days. I made a chart that helps me, I'll blog about that later.

So.....I am frustrated. I'm not losing like I thought I would. At all. Exercising is so hard. Like seriously painful to even hop..... 1 time!!!! I feel like I'm 80yrs old. I'm just in shock at how I got this way and how long it will take to get better. Everyday is a freaking horrible exhausting struggle. Exhausting! I have never had to try this hard! Every second i want to cry and throw my hands up. I feel like I'm giving it my all, and not getting anything back.

I feel like giving up.... Living has become so hard. The pain, the weight, the struggle, being so unhappy it hurts. Living like this is not living. I'm existing. My quality of life is so bad. It needs to change. Not just my weight, or my health. But my social life (or serious lack of), and my weight gain and how i feel about it has put a strain on my relationship with my husband. I need to continue this journey and struggle on. Feeling this way should make me have a fire in me like I did before! Where is it?! I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my kids without health concerns. My 4 year old has been having nightmares that I die. Breaks my heart to know even my kids are concerned about me.

I can barley move around because of health reasons and I can see the look in my 8yr old daughters eyes that kills me "what happened to you, Mommy?"
I, above all, want to be a good example to my kids. On how to live healthy and be happy. I can see how my habits now have affected my kids. My 8yr old is JUST like me. In the fact that she likes to eat good food and not get in any activity. I changed those habits and got healthy and she had followed me....but I went back to my old ways....and she followed. I NEED to fix all of this. I NEED to be a example. I just wish this struggle wasn't so exhausting. I am so drained. But if it was easy, everyone would do it. :)

I'm on week 7. I have lost......1 lb. !?!? That is not right. I want to give up. But I can't. I won't. I wrote this today to put how I feel out there. To see it in words. I have no one I can talk to. No one. So this is me, venting. Now I will pull up my big girl panties and...struggle on...... :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Day I'll Remember Forever....

Soooo I got up the courage to finally go to my old Zumba class tonight. The one where I know almost everyone. See, I teach Zumba in the mornings and not very many get up early to go. I average 10-12. The one I went to tonight has more then 30 people. People that haven't seen me in 6 mths. I was sooooo scared to go. Knowing everyone would see I gained weight. And ALOT of it at that.

I walked in and everyone was really nice. Then I saw someone across the room that I know and she gave me a look. A look that made me want to run home. She practically ran across the gym and looked me in the eyes and said "what the hell happened to you!?! Why are you SO....puffy!? How much have you gained????" seeing that I was shocked, and embarrassed she added " I love you girl, but this is unacceptable. I'm honest. Because I care. Now what happened??" so I told her why I had gained weight. How I have been eating bad, not exercising and avoiding the gym. She hugged me and said "we all love you and support you and glad you are back. Now let's get rid of this puffiness!!!" I had to smile. She was the first friend that had been honest with me. Most of the people I know say, oh you dont look like you gained. Or, you still look great. But she was the first to say "DAMN!!!! What happened???!" I actually needed that. I needed to know that others DO see my "puffiness". That I look horribly overweight and I HAVE lost my way.

She hurt my feelings at first and I swear I was going to cry right there in the middle of the gym, but I quickly realized she cares enough to hold me accountable for my actions and to make sure I become healthy again. I'll never forget this day.

Monday, June 11, 2012

So true!!!!!


Look at my poor ring!! My finger has muffin top!!! I just figured out how to upload posts from my IPhone. So I will be posting ALOT! :) about my journey with weight loss and my life.

I'm back on track, people!!!

Be very scared. Lol

First Post of the year...and some bad news..

Welllllll, this seems to be my first post of this year!!! I apologize for how long it has been!! We got a dog...and a cat. ^ Alice is our kitty, and Roxie is our adorable dog. Both are 9mth old now. They are besties! They make me so happy!! :) 

AND....the bad news is..... I have gained weight. I wish I could say it was from a medication, or because I had a baby....noooo, it was because of choice I MADE. 

 The old me, who I was always afraid would come out and control me, started to surface in December. I was struggling and I let my depression consume me. I was taking a seizure medication that could have helped me gain a little, but its very clear my food choices and activity level were to blame. Everyday i justified eating a little more or tasting something I shouldn't have. That lead to feeling guilty and not tracking because I didn't want to see my failures on paper. My medication made me tired, and I had excuse after excuse why I couldn't go to the gym. The number on the scale went up and up and up. I felt like a failure and stayed indoors. Away from people who would see me and KNOW I had gained. I finally just stopped caring for a while, knowing I was gaining. I was binging everyday. Soon my fat pants didn't fit, then ALL my clothes didn't fit. I had to buy clothes!
 HOW did I get back to this place??? How did I become THIS person again.

I gained 70 lbs! I was 180 in December and sadly today i was 250lbs. I stared in the mirror today. I looked at the damage I caused. I am no longer proud of myself. This was self sabotage. All my hard work...gone. Im practically at where I started!! I LET the scale get to 250lbs. It hurts to even walk. My body gained weight SO fast it has been a shock to my body. My back, my joints, everything hurts from everyday movements. I have heart burn, and chest pain. I am ashamed at what I have done to myself. The rapid weight gain has put me at such high risk for so many health issues...including death. I did this. I cant answer why. I dont know. I just know IT HAS TO STOP!

Im done feeling sorry for myself. Done watching the scale go up. Done making excuses. Done eating horrible foods. Done binging. Done being lazy. Done not tracking. Done being a horrible example to my kids. Done being embarrassed and ashamed.DONE. I started WW points Plus today again. Starting going to the gym.(I do however still teach Zumba)  I updated my Youtube channel and now my blog. I am going to hold myself accountable and get ME back. I gained 70 lbs in 6 mths. Lets hope it takes only 6 mths to lose it. :)