Friday, June 24, 2011

I GOT HIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had my interview with Weight Watchers on Wednesday. It went really well. At the end she said, "Well right now i would like to offer you the postion. Do you want to go home and think about our offer? " UH...NO!!! I ACCEPT!!!!!!!! I am a WW employee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
I am so happy. When I started WW almost 2 yrs ago I never thought this would happen. Even though it was my dream! Its super part time. It wont really make us any extra income, but that doesnt matter to me. I would voluteer if I had to! Its so crazy that she offered me the job right there. She also wants me to be a leader, but as of now I am unable to do the training required. I would need to go somewhere, possibly fly, for 3 days of all day training. With my kids being so young I dont think its possible. She told me whenever I felt it was the right time to let her know. She was incredibly nice and I am soooo proud to say I work for WW. I truly believe in their plan and how it changes lives and Im so excited to be apart of it!!! Now...if I could only get my OTHER dream job!! I want to work at our local YMCA. I do STILL want to teach Zumba, maybe SOMEDAY that will still happen, and Id like to work in Child watch. Then I can take my kids to work with me.
Im so happy!!!!!!!!!!
AND....I was nervous about my weight since I am over my lifetime goal. BUT.....ON my interview day the scale said 177!!! IM BACK AT LIFETIME! And just in time to weigh in for the month. LOL I really think this job will help motivate me to keep losing and encourage me to maintain better. :) I want to be a good representitive for them!!!!


Saturday, June 18, 2011

So frustrated!!

I I am the ONLY one who goes through what i am going through!! I hate looking in the mirror. I dont see what others see. I see someone who needs to lose weight and cant seem to do it. I see a chubby face, saggy skin, and a bloated stomach. Why cant I seem to be happy with being almost HALF the size i was?! Why does it seem I was HAPPIER being big? *GASP* Did I just write that?!? Yes, yes I did.
I hate feeling...lost. I dont know who i am supposed to be. I dont know how happy Im ALOUD to feel about my weight loss before its taken as being conceited.So I choose to act like its no big deal, and I started to believe it.
 I no longer look in the mirror and say WOW, I cannot beileiev how small my arms are! I now say, omg look at that hanging skin. Its so disgusting. I no longer go into my closet and get excited over my clothing options. I HAVE OPTIONS NOW! Instead I take a long time deciding on what jacket to wear to cover my arms and stomach.
I weighed in Monday at 181.2lbs. The week before i was like 186.8 or something. So I had a great loss. HOWEVER this week I seemed to have a hard time. I ate way more and after i got on the scale today (SATURDAY) and it said 181.6lbs I said"WTH?!" and decided to eat what I want today.BAD IDEA!!!!!! Which turned into Pizza, cookies, hamburgers, and cake (sons bday). I KNOW Ill be up at LEAST 5 lbs tomorrow. And it will take a WHOLE WEEK to get it back down. I have to weigh in with WW by the end of the Mth and I cannot be over 178lbs. I also have my interview on Wednesday with WW. Im so screwed. I truly hate that I cannot seem to lose weight like I was. I maintained in the 170's for a year. Now Im in the 180's?! Oh heck no!!!! I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be where I was at the beginning of March. i saw 167! Iam back to my BMI being overweight. And as i type those words i cry. I have one good week, then one bad week. I am in a HUGE rut. I got the exercise DOWN. BTW.......... I ran 8miles...yes 8MILES on Wednesday. My time was 85:33 min I was so FREAKING HAPPY. Then on Friday (yesterday I tried to run again and BARLEY made it to 4miles. So disappointed. Here is my first 10K time!!

I hate being in my head. One min Im happy, the next Im not. My kids have to go on this roller coaster with me and I hate how it affects them. Its selfish. I went to a get together with some friends. I barley talked to anyone.I sat there and I KNOW I looked so stupid. I couldnt get over the fact that I was the LARGEST person there. AND, they were all eating the desserts with no worries!!! I knew if I had one cookie Id gain (YES I WOULD) and the terrible guilt Id feel would last for days. I HATE THIS. My husband said these body issues are causing issues with us. I know they are. I just want to be proud of myself. I dont want to KILL myself in the gym and eat and eat at home. WHY CANT I EAT NORMALLY!? Why cant I continue to lose weight?!?!? 20lbs to lose and I cant even lose 5lbs!

I feel better for venting, PLEASE dont tell me how disappointed you are in me for not being proud of myself. You arent me. I dont CHOOSE too feel this way. And Im not ALWAYS like this. Im just having a moment.....
I WAS proud of myself. I need to get back there. When I was on track all the time. there never was a CHOICE for me. I was proud, and happy of my weightloss. I want to look in the mirror and see what others do. I feel like for the rest of my life, everyday, i will have to deal with trying to lose weight. I dont know why i gain so easily. So frustrating. I hate when people say, "You didnt gain it all in a week, so why do you except to lose it in a week?" UH, YES I DID GAIN IT IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!! LOL

Oh well, back on track for me tomorrow. I REALLY hope the scale doesnt hate me tomorrow so much. i DO deserve a gain though...*SMH*

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Weigh in 93 NO EXCUSES!!!

Sooooo there will be no weigh in tomorrow. Its that time of month and I know I am up. Getting on the scale will just upset me more. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 186.6 . That's up 5.4 lbs!!! Plus I over ate today and had a crappy day. Sooooo for this weigh in we will go with 186.6 .
I have decided to recommit myself to my weight loss journey. I was anxious to get out of the 170's and now I'm in the 180's. I used to say there are NO excuses. I never gave in. I stayed stronge. Never cheated myself. Worked hard. Now I seem to use EVERY excuse possible and I keep gaining. I keep imagining where I'd be IF I would have stayed on track. IF I stayed focused. I keep watching these girls on YouTube that I look up to and asking myself why can't I be like them. I USED to be like them. What happened. The girls that inspire me are losingrebecca, bandedwendy, and 1healthierheather. They have the DRIVE that I want. The NO excuses. Their journey is the number one thing for them and they are proud of what they have accomplished. I want that. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Idk why. But starting tomorrow, I'm going to treat myself right. No excuses. I deserve to be proud of myself. And get rid of this fat girl in my head that keeps telling me I'm a failure and ill never be like them. Because I am like them, I have just stopped treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. I am back!!
NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!!
I have 12 weeks til my 2 years on weight watchers. I want to lose at least 20 lbs by then. I am challenging myself to stay completely on track for 12 wks and in those 12 weeks find who I was a few mths ago. I really want to be that way again. Stronge. Commited. And proud.

Oh!!!! I have a interview with WEIGHT WATCHERS on June 22!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
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