I hate feeling...lost. I dont know who i am supposed to be. I dont know how happy Im ALOUD to feel about my weight loss before its taken as being conceited.So I choose to act like its no big deal, and I started to believe it.
I no longer look in the mirror and say WOW, I cannot beileiev how small my arms are! I now say, omg look at that hanging skin. Its so disgusting. I no longer go into my closet and get excited over my clothing options. I HAVE OPTIONS NOW! Instead I take a long time deciding on what jacket to wear to cover my arms and stomach.
I weighed in Monday at 181.2lbs. The week before i was like 186.8 or something. So I had a great loss. HOWEVER this week I seemed to have a hard time. I ate way more and after i got on the scale today (SATURDAY) and it said 181.6lbs I said"WTH?!" and decided to eat what I want today.BAD IDEA!!!!!! Which turned into Pizza, cookies, hamburgers, and cake (sons bday). I KNOW Ill be up at LEAST 5 lbs tomorrow. And it will take a WHOLE WEEK to get it back down. I have to weigh in with WW by the end of the Mth and I cannot be over 178lbs. I also have my interview on Wednesday with WW. Im so screwed. I truly hate that I cannot seem to lose weight like I was. I maintained in the 170's for a year. Now Im in the 180's?! Oh heck no!!!! I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be where I was at the beginning of March. i saw 167! Iam back to my BMI being overweight. And as i type those words i cry. I have one good week, then one bad week. I am in a HUGE rut. I got the exercise DOWN. BTW.......... I ran 8miles...yes 8MILES on Wednesday. My time was 85:33 min I was so FREAKING HAPPY. Then on Friday (yesterday I tried to run again and BARLEY made it to 4miles. So disappointed. Here is my first 10K time!!
I hate being in my head. One min Im happy, the next Im not. My kids have to go on this roller coaster with me and I hate how it affects them. Its selfish. I went to a get together with some friends. I barley talked to anyone.I sat there and I KNOW I looked so stupid. I couldnt get over the fact that I was the LARGEST person there. AND, they were all eating the desserts with no worries!!! I knew if I had one cookie Id gain (YES I WOULD) and the terrible guilt Id feel would last for days. I HATE THIS. My husband said these body issues are causing issues with us. I know they are. I just want to be proud of myself. I dont want to KILL myself in the gym and eat and eat at home. WHY CANT I EAT NORMALLY!? Why cant I continue to lose weight?!?!? 20lbs to lose and I cant even lose 5lbs!
I feel better for venting, PLEASE dont tell me how disappointed you are in me for not being proud of myself. You arent me. I dont CHOOSE too feel this way. And Im not ALWAYS like this. Im just having a moment.....
I WAS proud of myself. I need to get back there. When I was on track all the time. there never was a CHOICE for me. I was proud, and happy of my weightloss. I want to look in the mirror and see what others do. I feel like for the rest of my life, everyday, i will have to deal with trying to lose weight. I dont know why i gain so easily. So frustrating. I hate when people say, "You didnt gain it all in a week, so why do you except to lose it in a week?" UH, YES I DID GAIN IT IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!! LOL
Oh well, back on track for me tomorrow. I REALLY hope the scale doesnt hate me tomorrow so much. i DO deserve a gain though...*SMH*
April..I hope you are feeling better today. I think you look beautiful and I'm sure nobody notices what you notice. I'm in the exact opposite side as you. I can't get my butt in gear to lose more than 10 lbs. I wish I had whatever you have that helped you lose the weight. Sheer will power or whatever it was. I need a little of that to get past the 15 lb down with 80 to go rut I'm in.
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