Friday, June 22, 2012

Crappy update.....

Soooo it is time to give my weekly update. I failed to upload my weekly YouTube video. I just don't know what to say to anyone! "Guess what guys?!? I GAINED. Again." Nooo. I hate saying those words. Or even typing them! So I THINK I was 243.2 last week. This week I am 244.6. I am STILL on my period. I was on 1 wk then off 1 wk and then have been on for about 3 wks!!! Not happy. However I know it's from my weight gain. Just another reason I need to lose this weight!

I have had a good week despite my gain, for reasons unknown. I have exercised 5 times and stayed on track 5 out of 6 days. I made a chart that helps me, I'll blog about that later.

So.....I am frustrated. I'm not losing like I thought I would. At all. Exercising is so hard. Like seriously painful to even hop..... 1 time!!!! I feel like I'm 80yrs old. I'm just in shock at how I got this way and how long it will take to get better. Everyday is a freaking horrible exhausting struggle. Exhausting! I have never had to try this hard! Every second i want to cry and throw my hands up. I feel like I'm giving it my all, and not getting anything back.

I feel like giving up.... Living has become so hard. The pain, the weight, the struggle, being so unhappy it hurts. Living like this is not living. I'm existing. My quality of life is so bad. It needs to change. Not just my weight, or my health. But my social life (or serious lack of), and my weight gain and how i feel about it has put a strain on my relationship with my husband. I need to continue this journey and struggle on. Feeling this way should make me have a fire in me like I did before! Where is it?! I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my kids without health concerns. My 4 year old has been having nightmares that I die. Breaks my heart to know even my kids are concerned about me.

I can barley move around because of health reasons and I can see the look in my 8yr old daughters eyes that kills me "what happened to you, Mommy?"
I, above all, want to be a good example to my kids. On how to live healthy and be happy. I can see how my habits now have affected my kids. My 8yr old is JUST like me. In the fact that she likes to eat good food and not get in any activity. I changed those habits and got healthy and she had followed me....but I went back to my old ways....and she followed. I NEED to fix all of this. I NEED to be a example. I just wish this struggle wasn't so exhausting. I am so drained. But if it was easy, everyone would do it. :)

I'm on week 7. I have lost......1 lb. !?!? That is not right. I want to give up. But I can't. I won't. I wrote this today to put how I feel out there. To see it in words. I have no one I can talk to. No one. So this is me, venting. Now I will pull up my big girl panties and...struggle on...... :)


  1. You need to find some inspiration in your self again.. You put so much work into your videos and post.. Don't give up now. Yes it sucks to be over weight again, but you know you have it in you to get this weight off and do it again. So what if you feel like you messed up. MOVE ON FROM THIS POINT!!!! You can do it for sure.. Take everything you know, everything you have talked about, everything you have showed your followers on your vblogs etc and just do it..
    Get help for your depression, but you know what you need to do to move on from this gain.. :)
    My nasty :) girlfriend who is a health nut always tells me when im feeling like crap about my weight to " Suck It Up Butter Cup... It is crappy to hear that but It keeps me going when I want to screw up.... Also watching your videos on your progression into your goals help me alot as well....
    Keep Moving and Chin Up!!!!!
    As far as your little ons are voicing their concerns about you... They are watching you and for sure are seeing how you are behaving around them and this is effecting them. When you have children you lose the right to self-destruct. Oprah saying... Damn her .. But she is right..

    YOU ROCK!!!! So get a handle on this now before its out of control.

    Hope you don't mind me saying all this.. But your a huge inspiration to me and I look forward to seeing your progress and finding my motivation from you!!!!

  2. Hi there, I found your videos on youtube not long ago and thought I had found my long lost twin (I don't really have a twin but we do have a lot in common!) I can sooo relate to your weight loss and gain. I am about the same weight as you. I feel so tired all the time I can hardly stand to get out of the bed in the mornings. I have a 7 year old that I can hardly keep up with and I know he wants to play more than we do but I just don't have the energy! I am at a loss. Losing weight is about all I think about.. and how uncomfortable I feel all the time and how ugly I look in my clothes.. it has completely taken over my life! Maybe we could become email buddies or something and encourage each other. I just bought the rumba exhilaration set from Amazon but haven't tried it yet.. not enough energy yet but want to so much.